My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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