We named our party play list daddy issues
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
