If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
