I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
