ya dads aren't the best wingmen
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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