Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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