Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
