If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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