So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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