she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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