Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
There are leaves in my underwear?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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