Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
two words...techno handjob
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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