There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
