youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
