hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
