If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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