this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
