booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
