she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
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