My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
