She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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