i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
ttyl tear gas
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Watching her eat just hurts me
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Randomize
