"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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