All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Is Oprah even human
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
