You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm always down for nudity.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
