Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
