So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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