Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
