i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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