If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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