I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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