I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
