seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
