I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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