theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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