Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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