Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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