P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
