I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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