I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm bleeding and have questions
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