I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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