stop calling my apartment porn island.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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