his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
