I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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