i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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