Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
