"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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