he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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