Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
