She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
